Dreams

I don't remember exactly when I stopped having dreams for myself, but its been a really long time.  I think it started slipping away in my early teens, and vanished completely by the time I got married.  I always felt that goals and ambitions were something I didn't deserve to have, and that dreams were things that were for other people:  people who were not as damaged as me, for people who deserved them.

Trying to change this type of thinking is a full time job, and although I'm not where I would like to be yet, I am so much closer than I've ever been.  Its has been one hell of a transformation, actually.  I always felt that nothing matters and that we are all ending up in the dirt regardless of what we do or don't accomplish, so why even bother.  Now I think that we are all going to die and nothing we do will matter anyway, so why not at least try?  This has been a huge step for me.  Quite possibly it has been the most important realization of my life thus far.

But its hard.  Its so hard.  For the first time in my life, I am in a healthy relationship with someone who is unbelievably supportive, but he is the exception and not the rule.  Everyone else in my life has all sorts of labels for me:  crazy being the most popular choice, closely followed by irrational, rebellious, and irresponsible.  The reasoning for this is something I plan to explore more thoughouly in the future, but at this point its easier to just let it go and chalk it up to their ignorance of my past and lack of education regarding mental illness.

After a great deal of thought, I decided (correction: WE decided) to follow the dreams I once had and to attempt to make them a reality. And once again, we have no support.  In fact, we have had people try and talk us out of these goals.  Apparently, the only things we are supposed to want are to be trapped in dead end jobs and to aquire possessions to keep us happy while we work these pointless jobs to pay for them.  Telling people that we don't give a shit about money and that we want to do things with our lives that serve a purpose, give us fulfillment, and can leave this shitty world better than it was before is not a good idea.

So I'm telling you, my non existent readers.  I hope that in sharing the trials and tribulations of this journey will help keep me motivated to succeed.  I've never succeeded at anything in my life, and I'm so tired of it.  Opportunities never present themselves to me, I have had every possible disadvantage in life, and I refuse to play the stupid games that so many people play to get ahead.  Its been tough.

Its time to change things, and the only one who can do that for me is me.  Not very reassuring when you are a fuck up at life, but its a start.