Random Thoughts At 2am

Nothing like having no readers (yet) to inspire honest writing.  There really is no need for any of this; I can't sleep and am killing time while I wait for the Gravol I took to kick in.  Then I'll get to have nowhere enough sleep just in time to travel for 4 hours to see my son who I miss a lot, and put up with my mother and step father for the weekend.  Oh joy.

I've always found that writing is a double edged sword for me:  it is therapeutic and helps me get my thoughts in order, but it also forces me to see the truth of things that I tend to conveniently ignore the rest of the time.  I am better for it in the long run, but I suffer a great deal to do it.  This is why I only seem capable of writing regularly when I am at the lowest points in my life, because I have nothing to say when things are tolerable.  More times than not, I'll sit at the computer writing away and almost electrocuting myself with my own tears.  How spectacularly artsy is that?!  All I need is an emo haircut and an ironic t-shirt and I'll be set.

I just can't figure out how to shut my brain off to get enough sleep and this is better.  Its funny how my tired mind switches from one thing to the next to the next, unearthing old issues that I thought were dead and buried, when I can't remember things that I've asked someone within 5 minutes.  I even start thinking up all these weird senarios that wouldn't happen in a million years and get all upset over it.  Stupid fucked up brain. 

I have been thinking for over two months now that I need to get some help, but I'm terrified to do it.  Despite all I know about Bi Polar-ness and myself, there is still a fairly large part of me that truly believes that if I try extra hard I will get through this darkness and come out on the other side.  It has worked that way in the past ocassionally, but I don't think that is going to happen this time.  Fuck.

My boyfriend, Biff (thats what I decided to call him here!) is in his own private unemployment hell of fighting for benefits he is entitled to from February until the present, and has his own depressive tendencies to deal with - the last fucking thing he needs is for me to lose my shit, but its happening.  Why he is with me and loves me so is beyond my abilities to grasp.

So...my health card expired two years ago, and I need to get a new one.  I have no family doctor.  I barely know where the hospital is in my city, and the thought of going there, finding where to park, figuring out where to even get the money to park, sitting in a waiting room and then telling some snarky over tired nurse that I need help while I'm bawling like a cranky two year old (I inevitably burst into tears whenever I'm having to relay this shit to a stranger) is making me sick enough right now to make me nauseous.

I have no marijuana.  I quit drinking January 1st, 2007 and I wish I was drinking right now.  I thought I had that beat, and I did...till now.  I would take anything just to dull the edge of this for 5 minutes.


On top of no income, watching the man I love get fucked over by the government, and my inability to deal with being alive, my daughter is now requiring more than I have in me to give.  She is not yet in high school, and is exhibiting all the signs of being Bi Polar herself.  She was seeing a shrink a year ago when she lived with her father, but her father wouldn't let her be medicated and she refused to go back.  She admitted to me that she wants medication...and that she hates her life and wishes she was dead and that she wants to kill herself.  I told her that life will get better as she gets older.  She knew I was lying.  We have been planning on moving this summer so I can attend school and hopefully find work and she is devastated by this.  She is moving back in with her dad (her choice completely) so she can avoid making new friends, but she doesn't get along with her step mother and I can't see it being good for her, either.  They really gave her a hard time before.

At this point I feel like she is destined to be unhappy regardless of her home situation, though we get along pretty good - better than she does with her dad and her bitch faced succubus stepmother.  They have money, a pool, a nice rec room, and her old friends all live close by, and she is adding a lot of unnecessary stress to my life, so I think it might be best if she just goes.  She can be unhappy there just as easy as here (but with more attention and unlimited food for her bottomless stomach).  I don't know what else to do for her (clearly, as I don't know what to do for me, either).  I don't know what to tell her when she tells me that she wishes I didn't care about her because she knows she'll just fuck me over. 

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Anything.


I should sleep.  I feel all groggy now, and I need my rest so I can pretend nothing is wrong for the next two days.